


Our Numbered Days

by Ziro1271



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Inspired by Real Events, Some Humor, Teen Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziro1271/pseuds/Ziro1271
Summary: Five years following the sudden death of his parents, Ethan (MC) moves back to his hometown. As he tries to adjust to being back in this town filled with memories, he develops an unexpected crush on a certain club president. Although Monika seems like she has it all together, there's a secret that she's hoping to hide as long as possible...Also being made into a game mod by the name of "Doki Doki Everlasting".
Relationships: Monika/Protagonist (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. Home Again

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hello there! I deleted one of my other fics, so I thought I should make up for that by starting another one that I've wanted to do for a while. I've had a mod in development titled "Doki Doki Everlasting" for about six to seven months now. At first I was reluctant to also make it into a fanfic, but it's not like I'm on a deadline or anything for the mod. Some plot points are going to differ between this and Everlasting, but it's basically the same all-around story.
> 
> Anyway! I'll hopefully have chapter two out by the end of this week - but I'm not promising anything. So yeah. Enjoy~

_ It’s been five years… _

_ And yet, it feels like I never left… _

Driving down the familiar streets gives me a sense of nostalgia that makes me have to blink back tears.

“Here you go, son.” The taxi driver interrupts my thoughts when we arrive at the new house. The house isn’t spectacular or anything - it looks exactly like the pictures my aunt showed me, though, so that’s a good sign.

“O-Okay.” I pull a couple of 20 dollar bills out of my wallet and hand them to the taxi driver. “Keep the change.”

As I step out of the taxi and into the sunlight, I take a deep breath. The air is much drier than I thought it would be. However, the weather itself is nice - not too hot, not too cold.

The taxi pulls away, and I’m left standing in the doorway of the new house.

“Welcome home,” I say quietly to myself as I turn the key in the lock.

When I step inside, I’m hit by a blast of cool air. The smell of fresh paint enters my nostrils, which just proves that this house  _ is _ as new as my aunt claimed it is.

I don’t know if it’s my oblivion or just wishful thinking, but I decide to check the kitchen to see if there’s any food. To my chagrin, there is absolutely no food to be found in this house. “You gotta be kidding…” I groan loudly. After being on the plane for five hours, I just want to  _ eat something _ . I really didn’t want to go grocery shopping first thing when I got here, but…

Suddenly, as if the world decided it was my turn for a dose of good karma. My phone starts ringing, and I stare at the contact. It’s Sayori, my good friend since we were children. After the accident, I was sent to live with my aunt, thus separating Sayori and me with very little warning. I remember her tears as she hugged me, begging me not to go.

But now, I’m here. I answer the phone. “Hey, you!”

“Ethan!!!” Sayori practically screams into the phone.

“Well, you’ll be happy to know that my plane did  _ not _ explode and I  _ am _ back in town as of now.”

Sayori gasps. “Yay!!! I missed you, I missed you!!!”

I can’t help but laugh at her antics. Sayori has always been very easily excitable, and now was no exception. Then again, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pretty excited as well.

Sayori continues. “My parents said you can come over for dinner if you want! I don’t suppose you have anything to eat there, and I’m guessing you  _ might _ be a little hungry, so…”

“Yes! Sayori, you are a lifesaver! I’m  _ starving _ !”

I hear her giggle over the phone. “I’ll text you my address. See you in a bit!”

“You too!”

She hangs up, then immediately texts me her address. To my surprise, she only lives a couple blocks down. I head outside and start in that direction.

As I’m walking, I take in my surroundings. The nostalgia is almost…  _ overwhelming _ . So, I try to focus on the nice weather instead. The sky is turning a beautiful crimson color as the sun goes down.

I approach Sayori’s house. As I’m raising my fist to knock on the door, I hear the door unlock. Sayori appears before me. “Ethan!!!” She hugs me while jumping up and down.

“Sayori, calm down!” I chuckle. She’s still as energetic as ever.

“Sorry! I’m just so happy you’re here!” She lets me go, but she’s still  _ very _ excited. “Come in, come in! I just finished cooking!”

“Wait…  _ you? Cooking?  _ Please tell me I heard that right.”

“Hey! That was  _ one time _ I started a fire! ONE TIME!”

I chuckle and pat her head. “I know, I know.”

As I step inside, I notice a strong smell of… is that garlic?

Sayori answers my internal question. “I just bought cheesy garlic bread this morning. You’re not allergic, are you?”

“Not at all.” I smile. “That smells  _ really _ good, Sayori.”

She puts on oven mitts and pulls out a tray with eight pieces of bread on it from the oven. She sets the tray on top of the stove, then places two pieces of bread on each plate.

“Anything to drink?” she asks.

“Water is fine.”

She grabs two glasses from the cabinet and fills them both with tap water.

“It’s pretty hot. Might wanna wait a minute.” Sayori sets my plate in front of me, along with the glass of water.

However, I haven’t eaten since breakfast. The hunger pangs and the smell of garlic combined make that warning basically impossible to follow. So, I take a big bite of one of the pieces.

“Oh God… too hot… mouth on fire…” I quickly gulp down some water to ease the burning sensation in my mouth.

“I told you to wait, silly! Ehehe~” Sayori sits down and takes a sip of her water.

“Ah, you’re right. I’m just…  _ very _ hungry,” I say before taking another sip of water.

“Did you… did you eat  _ at all _ on the plane?!” Sayori asks, almost scoldingly.

“Well… my aunt sent me with a bunch of cash, and - did you know they don’t accept cash for buying meals on flights??”

“Wait, WHAT? THEY DON’T?” She looks absolutely horrified by this new information.

“Yeah. And I don’t have a credit card, so I just… went without.”

“That’s so mean of them!!!” Sayori stands up and grabs her phone. She sits down and holds the phone up to her ear.

“Wait, wait, who - who are you calling??” I look at Sayori, who holds up a finger as if to shush me.

Finally, a faint voice can be heard from Sayori’s phone.

“Monika!!” she says, “Did you know they don’t accept cash for food on planes?!” A few seconds of silence, then… “YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT??? But don’t you have that big trip at the end of this year??”

I roll my eyes at her antics and try the garlic bread again. It’s cooled down to the point where I can eat it, and… I don’t know if the five hours of starvation talking, but… this is probably the best thing Sayori has  _ ever  _ made.

Once Sayori gets off the phone, she sighs. “Sorry. My friend is going to Amsterdam at the end of the school year, and I had to tell her that before I forgot. My memory has been a bit… fuzzy lately.”

“Did you hit your head or something?” I ask. I wouldn’t be surprised; she’s always been very clumsy.

“No. The last year of high school is just… stressful, you know?”

“No, no, I get it.” I chuckle. “Amsterdam, though. Sounds fancy.”

“Yep! You should meet her sometime; I think you’d like her!”

“Sayori, that’s…” I pause. Then, I sigh. “I’m glad you’ve made other friends. I’d love to meet them sometime.”

Sayori wears this very confused look on her face - eyes widened, eyebrows raised, jaw practically on the floor. “W-Wait! You want to meet my friends?? Who  _ are _ you, and  _ what  _ have you done with Ethan?!”

“I dunno. He was abducted by aliens, I guess.”

We share a laugh.

“Anyway,” I say, “This bread is  _ really  _ good, Sayori. Thank you.”

She flashes a smile. “Of course!”

We continue talking - mainly catching up on the last five years. Apparently, Sayori is now the vice president of the school’s literature club. Not that I was ever aware that she had any interest in literature. I suspect she only did it because she thought it would be fun to help start a new club.

In any case, she actually  _ does _ something with her time. That’s more than I’ve ever had.

* * *

After I get home, the hours of exhaustion all wash upon me like a wave. I go upstairs and change out of my clothes before collapsing on the bed and falling asleep.   
  



	2. First Day of School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected collision causes Ethan to stumble upon the Literature Club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll get the next chapter out by the end of this week."
> 
> Well it's here now, so... enjoy lol

“Heeeeeeyyy!!!”

I turn around and see an annoying girl in the distance, waving her arms like she’s totally oblivious to any attention she may draw to herself.

_ Sayori… _ I think to myself with a sigh. I idle at the crosswalk and wait for her to catch up to me.

We had agreed to walk to school together this morning, but I wasn’t aware Sayori had such a bad oversleeping problem.

She catches up to me. “Haaah… haaaah… I caught you!”

“Only because I decided to wait for you,” I say in response.

“Eh?? You make it sound like you were thinking of running away!” She pouts. “That’s mean, Ethan!”

“Some things never change, do they?”

We laugh a bit before we continue our journey to school.

“Okay, so I know you’re new, but have you thought about any clubs to join?” Sayori asks me.

“Sayori, I’m not… I’m not really interested in joining any clubs,” I respond.

“That’s not true!! You said last night you’d look for a club to join!!”

“Did I…?” Honestly, I was tuned out for a bit of what happened last night, so it’s very possible I agreed to that while not really paying attention.

“Uh-huh! You were like ‘yes, Sayori, I’ll join a club, Sayori’,” she says in a pouty voice.

“Okay, okay. I’ll look for a club to join, alright? It’s my first day though, so I probably won’t find anything today - or even this week. Give me some time.”

“Fine, fine~” Sayori giggles.

We make it to the front gates of the school. I take out my schedule and check which first period class I’m in.

“Oh, no…” I say.

“What is it?” Sayori asks me.

“It’s  _ calculus _ .” I shudder for comedic effect.

She turns and sees something. “Hey! Monika!”

“Hm?” I turn my head in the direction she’s waving at. In the distance, I see another girl waving back. She makes her way over to us.

_ Sayori, you never told me your friend was cute! _ I think to myself as I find myself staring at the brunette approaching.

“Hey!” says the girl, whose name is apparently Monika.

“Hi!” Sayori says. She motions over to me. “This is Ethan.”

“Oh,  _ you’re _ Ethan!” Monika says, holding out her hand. “I’m Monika. I’ve heard lots about you.”

_ Okay, dude, stay calm, _ I tell myself. “My reputation precedes me. Only good things, I hope,” I say, shaking Monika’s hand. I notice her hand is  _ very _ cold, but I keep this observation to myself.

Monika giggles. “Are you kidding? The way Sayori talks about you, you’d think-”

“Monikaaaaa!” Sayori whines.

“Oh, right, right~” Monika smiles, and I suddenly feel… very warm. “Well, anyway! I’ll see you at the club later, Sayori!”

“See ya!” Sayori waves as Monika heads inside. I find myself staring at her.

_ I need to stop staring. I need to stop staring. I need to stop- _

Sayori suddenly steps in front of me, blocking my view. “What are ya looking at?”

“N-No, I’m not staring!!” I say a bit too defensively.  _ That wasn’t what she was asking, was it? _

“Suuuure. You and about every other boy in this whole school are definitely  _ not _ staring at Monika. Ehehe~” She giggles. “I gotta go to class. I’ll see you later, Ethan!”

“See you later!” I shout before heading in the direction of my first class.

* * *

The end of the day is finally here.  _ Thank God… _

I stand up and throw my bag over my shoulder. The amount of homework they gave me wasn’t  _ too _ ridiculous, but I’m still not sure if I actually want to do it.  _ Meh. I’ll worry about that when I get home. _

As I’m walking down the hall, I look down at my phone and read all my notifications.  _ You know, all two of them. _ Both just being from Twitter - apparently this artist I follow is accepting commissions again.

Suddenly, I collide with something. I fall over on my back with a grunt.

“O-Oh! I-I’m so sorry, a-are you okay?” a soft voice says to me.

I look up at what I collided with; apparently, while I was looking at my phone, someone had suddenly swung a door open in my face. The voice belongs to a taller girl with purple hair, who appears to be holding a tea kettle.

“Uh… yeah, I’m fine…” I rub my forehead. “I should really watch where I’m going next time, ahaha…”

Someone else emerges from behind the door: Monika. “Oh, Ethan! Are you oka - oh, the door got you pretty hard, didn’t it?” She turns to the purple-haired girl. “Can you go get him a pack of ice from the office, Yuri?”

“Mhm!” The girl, whose name appears to be Yuri, rushes down the hall in the opposite direction.

Monika offers her hand to help me up. I take her hand and stand up, again noting how cold her hand is.

“Come on.” Monika leads me into the room behind the door and sits me at a desk. “Hey, Sayori, look who Yuri ran into!”

I look up, and I see Sayori at the other end of the room. She raises her eyebrows and walks over to me. “Oh my gosh, Ethan! What happened to your head?!”

Monika is about to answer her question when I interrupt. “Don’t text and walk,” I say facetiously.

“D-Does it hurt?” Sayori asks.

“Ehhhh. Not a lot.”

“Did Yuri seriously hit this guy with the door?” a third girl asks with a snicker. Her small figure makes me think she’s a first-year.

“No, no, no, I shouldn’t have been walking so close to that side of the hallway. And I shouldn’t have been checking Twitter at the same time…” I chuckle at myself.

The smaller girl is silent for a moment, then says, “Eh, fair enough.”

_ Wait, huh? Did she just agree with- _

“I’m back,” Yuri says, walking into the room and handing me the ice pack.

“Thanks,” I say. I hold the ice pack up to my head.  _ Now _ it’s starting to hurt. “S-So is this some kind of club, or…?”

“Yep! This is the Literature Club!” Sayori says with a smile.

“Oh,” I respond.  _ I didn’t realize there would be so many cute girls in this club. _

“Don’t feel like you have to go right away,” Monika says. “You can sit in for a bit and rest, okay?”

“Mhm…” My responses become more half-assed as the pain levels in my forehead start to increase.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Ethan?” Sayori asks me.

I nod. “Don’t worry about me. Just pretend I’m not here.”

“Let us know if you need something, okay?” Monika smiles sweetly, causing a knot to form in my stomach.

The girls resume their meeting, while I end up staring out the window for a good portion of it. From what I can hear, Monika appears to be the president of this club. That… honestly makes me consider joining.

_ What am I thinking?? I’m not going to join this club just because of some cute girl. And besides… What chance do I even have with her? _ I try to talk myself out of it, but that doesn’t seem to be helping.  _ I mean… if there’s a chance I can get closer to this girl… and it would also get Sayori off my back about joining a club, so it’s a win-win, right? _

“Ethan?” Sayori waves her hand in front of my face. “Helloooo? Anyone home?”

“Huh?” I snap out of my trance.

“You space out even worse than me sometimes… I’m impressed!”

“Yeah, yeah.” I wave the comment off.

“The meeting’s over. Wanna walk home together?”

“Um… sure, I guess.”

“Yay~” Sayori smiles and goes to grab her bag.

As I’m standing up, Monika approaches me. “How’s your head feeling?”

“Eh. Better than it was, I guess.”   
  


Monika smiles sweetly. “That’s good! Well, I’ll see you later, Ethan!”

“Y-You too, Monika.”

I stand there and watch Monika depart from the club room. My stomach is still in a knot.

“Sooo?” Sayori says, interrupting my thoughts. “Ready to go?”

“Huh? Oh, uh… yeah.”

We start making our way home. Meanwhile, I can’t stop trying to weigh the pros and cons of joining this club…

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify: the contrasts between this and the mod (Everlasting) will be pretty extreme, but the main idea will remain the same.


	3. Monika's Dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan finally decides to join the Literature Club. However, Monika is having doubts...

As Sayori and I walk home, I’m still weighing the pros against the cons of potentially joining this club. Not to mention, the nostalgia from seeing these parts of town again.

“Sooooo?” Sayori asks, as if reading my mind. “Have you thought about any clubs to join yet?”

“Ah… not yet…” I say - I’m lying, of course, but I’m not about to tell Sayori what’s on my mind.

“Well, you sat in for the Literature Club meeting today, so I was wondering what your opinion was on, you know…” Her voice trails off.

“Know what?”

“On joining the Literature Club!”

_Damn, Sayori, when did you learn to read minds??_ “I… uh… well…” I stammer.

“I can even ask Natsuki to make cupcakes! Pleaaaase?” Sayori starts getting excited - not like it takes much for that to happen.

“Sayori, I… still have other clubs to look at, and, um…”

Sayori looks… almost sad. “Okay… Ethan… I’m gonna be honest with you…” She sighs. “We… don’t have enough members to form an officially recognized club yet. We need five… and if we don’t get enough by the festival next week…”

_Oh. So there’s a deadline on this. And I was already considering joining, so…_

I sigh. “Okay, Sayori. I’ll stop by again tomorrow and make my decision then, okay?”

Her eyes light up. “Yay!!! Thank you, Ethan!!! You’re the best!!!” She hugs me while jumping up and down.

“H-Hey, calm down. It’s not like I’ve decided yet, Sayori.”

“I know! But I’m really happy you’re giving it a chance!”

I sigh. “Whatever you say…”

We part ways after the crosswalk, and I continue making my journey home.

* * *

_This amount of homework is cruel and inhumane._

I rest my head against my hand and groan loudly. “Okay, you know what…” I close my calculus textbook and start making my way to the door. I still haven’t had a chance to go grocery shopping since I’ve been here, and I need to do that _desperately_.

I put on a light jacket, grab my house keys, and head outside. I pull up the maps application on my phone and look for the nearest grocery store. _There’s one about ten minutes away…_

I start walking. The temperature is slightly chilly, but nothing I can’t handle. I catch myself thinking about the weird situation I’m in: how there are really _more_ pros than cons for joining the Literature Club, so… why is this even a debate in my head?

My phone buzzes, letting me know I need to turn on… _that_ street. A chill runs down my spine. I look up, and I notice a _very_ big difference about this intersection - a change that wasn’t here before.

_Stop lights were put into this intersection… because of the accident that killed my parents…_

_They said they’d be back within an hour. I was 13, so I was old enough to stay home alone. In fact, I had BEGGED to stay home alone. By some chance, that ended up being the reason my parents died, and I didn’t…_

My therapist back in the last city I lived in refers to this feeling as “survivor’s guilt”. The term itself is pretty self-explanatory. However, I can’t help but feel like it’s inaccurate. I didn’t technically “survive” anything - parents asked if I wanted to go shopping with them; I said no; they ended up getting t-boned by a careless driver. It’s not like I have much to feel guilty about…

But still, this intersection makes me rather uneasy. I’ve gotten over a lot of my feelings of grief, but there are occasions where it’s a bit worse than usual. But I didn’t think this intersection would bring almost _all_ of it back…

I can feel the impending panic attack as I turn the corner, but it’s gone as quickly as it came. Soon, I’m standing in front of that grocery store. I go inside and grab a shopping cart. 

It suddenly dawns upon me that I didn’t make a list.

“Ramen, ramen, and more ramen, I guess…” I mutter to myself as I grab five large packs of top ramen.

Another voice speaks, making me startled. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re stalking me.”

I turn around and…

“Wait… Monika? What are you doing here?” I ask, looking at the brunette at the other side of the aisle.

“Same thing you’re doing. Getting groceries.” With a giggle, she nods at the multi-packs of ramen I have in my cart. “How’s your head feeling, by the way? The bruise doesn’t look too bad.”

_Oh God, there’s a bruise? I hadn’t even checked._ “Not bad. The aching is more like… a very minor inconvenience.”

“I’m glad it feels better, Ethan!” Monika smiles sweetly, and the knot in my stomach returns.

“By the way,” I tack on, “Sayori convinced me to stop by again tomorrow. I… might actually consider joining.”

Her face lights up like a Christmas tree. “Really? That’s awesome!” She grabs a box of pasta before placing it in the cart. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then!”

“Y-Yeah, see you.” I smile back at her.

Monika walks away, and I’m left having to recompose myself. _Okay, clearly it means something that I’ve run into her THREE TIMES today!_

* * *

At the end of school the next day, I stand up and start on my way to the Literature Club. It’s not too far out of my way - in fact, it’s actually _on the way_ to the school’s exit. Strangely enough, I’m the first one there. I try the doorknob, and… it’s locked.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry!” I hear Monika’s voice from a few yards away. She’s sprinting down the hallway, holding a lanyard with a few keys attached to it. She comes up on the door, but before unlocking it, she leans her arm against the wall and struggles to catch her breath. “My last period teacher just kept talking and talking…”

“No worries,” I say with a smile. I notice her still struggling to catch her breath. “A-Are you… are you okay?”

“Mhm!” Still struggling for air, Monika stands up straight and unlocks the door. “There we go!”

We both head inside the club room. There are a bunch of desks put together to form a table. As I’m looking for a place to sit, I notice Monika at one of the desks, looking very tired. No… more like _exhausted_.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Monika?” I ask.

“Yeah… my lung capacity is just… not great…” She says each set of words between breaths.

As I open my mouth to speak again, the club room door swings open. It’s Sayori. 

“Hi, Ethan!” She runs over to me and hugs me.

“H-Hey!” I chuckle.

She releases me. “I went to your classroom to get you, but I walked in and you weren’t there. I thought you went home at first, but I checked and you’re here!!”

“Hey, give me more credit than that, Sayori. I said I’d stop by today, and when I say I’m going to do something, I usually do it. Right?”

Sayori pauses. “That’s true!”

The small, pink-haired girl walks into the club room. “Wait… why is _he_ here again?” she asks while looking between me, Monika, and Sayori.

“Wow. I feel _very_ appreciated,” I say sarcastically.

“Well, after yesterday’s club meeting, he decided to stop by again today to see if he’d be interested in joining!” Monika tells her.

“Seriously? Way to kill the atmosphere.”

“Natsuki,” says Yuri, who apparently walked in while I wasn’t paying attention.

“Hmph.” Natsuki crosses her arms and sits down at a desk.

Sayori comes and whispers in my ear. “She’ll warm up to you, don’t worry~” She jumps back into action. “Anyway! Since you didn’t really get a proper introduction yesterday: This is Natsuki, always full of energy!” She points to Natsuki. Then she points at Yuri. “And this is Yuri, the smartest in the club!”

“D-Don’t say things like that…” Yuri timidly plays with a lock of her long, purple hair. Yuri appears to be comparably more mature and shy, and has a hard time keeping up with people like Sayori and Natsuki.

“And you already met Monika.” Sayori puts her hands on Monika’s shoulders, who is still sitting at that desk.

_Is she still recovering from that sprint…?_

“Yep! We actually ran into each other at the store yesterday,” Monika tells Sayori. “Pretty crazy, huh?”

“Oh, that’s cool!” Sayori says with a smile. “Alright, I’ll go get the surprise~”

“Hey! I made it, I’ll get it!” Natsuki says.

“Sorry, I got a bit too excited…” Sayori giggles nervously.

“Not like that takes much effort…” I say with a chuckle.

“Come to the table, Ethan! We have two open spaces, so you can sit next to me or Monika!”

I head over to the back of the room. Like Sayori said, there are two available spots at the table. It occurs to me to sit next to Monika, but I don’t want to seem _too_ forward. Still feeling awkward, I take a seat next to Sayori.

Natsuki emerges from the closet with a tray wrapped in foil. “Okaaay, are you ready?” She unveils the surprise. “Ta-da!” It’s a batch of cupcakes, all decorated to look like little cats.

“Uwoa!” Sayori gasps. “So cute~!”

“I had no idea you were so good at baking, Natsuki!” Monika says.

“Ahaha, well, you know. Just hurry and take one!”

Sayori takes a cupcake, then Monika. I follow.

“Sho good!” Sayori talks with her mouth full and has already managed to get icing on her face.

I roll my eyes. _Some things never change…_

I notice Natsuki sneaking glances at me. Is she waiting for me to take a bite? I take a breath and bite down. The icing is sweet and full of flavor. I wonder…

“Did you make these yourself, Natsuki?” I ask.

“Well, yeah!” Natsuki scoffs. “You think I’d just bring in store-made stuff?”

“Fair enough, I guess…” I look at the cupcake, then back at Natsuki. “They’re really good, regardless. Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me? It’s not like I… made them for you or anything…”

“Wait… didn’t you _just_ say-”

“Well, okay! But not for, y’know, _you!_ Dummy…”

“Okay, whatever.” I dismiss the conversation.

Yuri returns to the table carrying a tea set. She carefully places a tea cup in front of each of us before sitting down. “I-I wanted to apologize again for yesterday, Ethan.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I was being careless and wasn’t paying attention. You’re fine, Yuri,” I say with a smile.

Yuri smiles faintly to herself in relief.

Monika looks at me. “So what made you consider the Literature Club? I’m guessing sitting in yesterday sparked some interest?”

“I guess you could say that,” I respond. It’s not the truth, but it’s not _technically_ a lie, either.

“So, what kind of things do you like to read, Ethan?” Yuri asks.

I was afraid of this question. “Ah… manga…” I mutter quietly to myself, half-joking.

“N-Not much of a reader, I guess…”

“Well, that can change.” I speak without thinking after seeing Yuri’s sad smile. “What about you, Yuri? What kinds of things do you like to read?”

“Well, let’s see…” She thinks for a moment. “I’m very into novels that build deep and complex fantasy worlds…”

At this point, she’s completely lost me. She may as well be having a conversation with a brick wall.

“But you know, I like a lot of things. I’ve been reading a lot of horror lately…”

“Really?” Monika asks. “I wouldn’t have expected that, Yuri. For someone as gentle as you…”

“Ugh, I hate horror,” Natsuki says.

“Oh? Why’s that?” Yuri asks.

“Well, I just…” Natsuki’s eyes dart over to me for a split second. “Never mind.”

“That’s right! You usually like to write about cute things, don’t you, Natsuki?” Monika asks.

“W-What?!” Natsuki looks up at Monika in alarm. “What gives you that idea?!”

“You left a piece of scrap paper behind at the last club meeting. It looked like you were working on a poem called-”

“Don’t say it out loud!! And give that back!!”

“Fine, fine~” Monika reaches into her bag and pulls a piece of paper out of her bag, which is then snatched out of her hand by Natsuki.

“Ehehe! Your poems, your cupcakes…” Sayori sidles up behind Natsuki and puts her hands on her shoulders. “Everything you do is just as cute as you are~”

Natsuki turns red in the face. “ _I’m not cute!!!_ ”

After another discussion, and finding out that Yuri writes poetry too, Monika makes a suggestion. “Let’s all go home and write poems of our own! That might be a good way to strengthen the bond of the club, considering we have a new member and all.” Monika smiles sweetly at me once again.

“Ah…” I look around. _Guess I have no choice, do I?_ “Yeah, that sounds like a decent idea.”

“Okay, everyone! Looks like we can officially end today’s meeting on a good note,” Monika smiles. “Everyone remember tonight’s assignment: write a poem tonight, so we can all share tomorrow!”

I grab my bag and stand up. Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and Monika fills my vision. “Monika? Everything okay?”

“Can we talk for a moment?” Monika whispers into my ear. “I’ll meet you in the hallway, to the left.”

“Um, sure.”

“Great! Make sure you don’t get lost.” She smiles and makes her way out of the club room.

Um… was that normal? Is this a routine thing she does with new members? Or… did I potentially upset someone? I really hope not…

Suddenly, Sayori jumps into my view. “What was that, Ethan?”

“Whoa!” I step back, startled by Sayori.

“Was Monika asking you out??”

“What? No!” My face is heating up immensely. “She probably just wants to discuss something…”

“Ehehe, I’m just teasing you. She is pretty cute, after all~”

“Sayori, please stop.” My blush is probably undeniable at this point.

“I’ll meet you out in the courtyard, kay?”

I nod as Sayori leaves the club room.

I take a breath and exit as well.

* * *

“To the left…” I mumble to remind myself of where Monika guided me.

Then I see her. Monika stares wistfully into the treeline outside the window. Her expression greatly contrasts her attitude in the club. The window is cracked open, causing a slight breeze to run through her hair. I can’t help but stare. _She really is beautiful…_

“Ethan?” Monika says, not turning away from the window. “Is that you?”

“Ah! Um… yeah, it’s me. Sorry, I just got distracted…” I chuckle nervously.

Monika turns her head toward me with a sad smile. “It’s okay.” She turns around, facing me. “Okay. Ethan, look…” She sighs, probably trying to find a way to phrase her next words. “I’m… I’m glad you’re joining and all, but… I… have honestly been considering shutting the club down for… a bit.”

“Wait,” I say without thinking. This is _not_ what I was expecting this conversation to be about. And seeing such a sorrowful look in Monika’s eyes…

“I’ve been… dealing with a lot,” she continues, staring out the window again. “I have nothing to guarantee that this club will last until graduation. And I’m… really stressed out, if I’m honest. So, I just… wanted to let you know that… if you don’t _actually_ want to join the Literature Club, it’s okay. I won’t take it personally.”

“Oh…” I say with a sigh. “Monika, I…” Where do I even start with this? I take a breath, and put my hands on Monika’s shoulders. “Look. I said I would join this club, and I’m sticking to that. From what I can see, the girls love being in this club. I’m sure they’d be devastated if you decided to shut it down.”

“I-I guess…”

“The club could end up dissolving… but it could also grow to be really strong. And it’s better to stick around and find out, than to just give up. You get what I’m saying?” I take my hands off her shoulders, to give her time to process my words.

Monika’s eyes light up a little, a slight indication that she’s understanding what I’m trying to say. “Yeah…”

“Also,” I say. “I… don’t know what’s going on in your personal life. And I may not give the most sound advice, but I can be there to listen, if nothing else. So, if you ever have anything you need to get off your chest… don’t be afraid to talk to me, okay?”

A smile finally forms across her lips. “Okay,” Monika says, in almost a whisper. “I’ll do my best to keep this club intact. I can’t promise I’ll be successful, but… I’ll do my best.”

“Good.” I smile back at her.

Monika looks out the window again. “It’s getting pretty late. I should… probably get going.”

“Ah… yeah, you’re right…” I say. The sky has really gotten crimson over time.

“Thanks for the talk, though.” Monika smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”

I nod. “See you tomorrow.”

I watch as Monika walks away, still a bit dazed from the conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of skipped through the first club meeting, because I didn't want to throw in a bunch of Act I stuff everyone's already seen. Again, there will be several contrasts between this and the game mod I'm making - enough that both stories will offer new things. When the mod is released as a demo, I'll a post a link to it :)


	4. Clair de Lune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan spends more time with Monika in the club, and learns more about her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi yes hello, there's poetry by Emily Dickinson in here, but the two other poems are by me :)

I really don’t know what the point of that conversation with Monika was, and I wrestle with that fact all night. Part of me wants to shrug it off as just stress from school, or maybe problems at home, but for some reason I have this pit in my stomach.

* * *

Surprisingly, the hot lunch made at school isn’t bad.

I look around the cafeteria for a place to sit. I look to the side and see Sayori sitting alone at a table, chowing down on a cookie.

_Of course…_ I think to myself with a chuckle. Nothing changed in that department: Sayori still has the biggest sweet tooth. I make my way over to the table she’s at.

“Yo, Sayori,” I say, sitting down a couple seats away from her.

“Hi!” She says this while in the middle of eating her cookie, dropping a few crumbs on her tray. “How are you?”

“Pretty good,” I say. Suddenly, my conversation with Monika from yesterday comes back to me. Maybe Sayori will know something about this? “So, uh… that conversation with Monika I had yesterday…”

“Ooh, yeah! I meant to ask about that!” Sayori finishes her cookie and turns her attention to me.

“Well…” I take a breath. “It was… actually kind of serious. Like… I don’t know. Apparently she has something going on in her personal life that’s stressing her out and making her… consider shutting down the Literature Club.”

Sayori blinks at me a few times. “What…?”

I pause. “So you _don’t_ know anything…”

“Th-This is my first time hearing about this.” She stares down at her food. “A-And _I’m_ the vice president…”

I stay silent. I can’t imagine how Sayori must feel right now; probably a sense of betrayal. I mean… why was this never discussed with her?

She suddenly stands up. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

“W-Wait, Sayori-”

She dumps out her tray and retreats to the bathroom.

I sigh. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up… that could cause some unnecessary drama. Monika trusted me with that, and I didn’t even think about the fact that Sayori might _not_ know…

Suddenly, I’m extremely nervous about the next club meeting.

* * *

My hands are clammy as I walk into the club room. I was the last one here today, by some odd chance, so everyone is already hanging out.

Yuri timidly approaches me. “Thanks for keeping your promise, Ethan. I hope this isn’t too overwhelming of a commitment for you… making you dive headfirst into literature when you’re not accustomed to it…”

“Oh, come on!” Natsuki butts in, “Like he deserves any slack! Sayori told me you didn’t even wanna join any clubs this year! I don’t know if you plan to just come in here and hang out, or what… But if you don’t take us seriously, then you won’t hear the end of it!”

Monika chuckles. “Natsuki, you certainly have a big mouth for someone who keeps her manga collection in the club room.”

Natsuki’s face turns red. “M-M-M…!!” She finds herself stuck between saying ‘Monika’ and ‘manga’ as she points accusingly at Monika. Finally, she announces, “ _Manga is literature!!_ ” and plops back down in her seat.

I look over at Sayori, who seems a bit… upset. _I really hope this isn’t about earlier…_

I approach her. “A-Are you okay?”

“I guess,” she says. “Just… don’t worry about me, okay? I’m just…” She looks over at Monika, who is writing something in a notebook.

“Ah, okay,” I say with a nod.

I sit down at a desk in the back. Resting my head on the table, I close my eyes. _Looks like I’m gonna catch up on some sleep I lost last night…_

“Ethan?” someone says. “Um… are you alive?”

The “nap” is extremely short-lived. I open my eyes, and Monika fills my vision. She’s leaning down to my level.

“Oh… hey, Monika,” I say with a yawn.

“Nothing to do, I’m assuming?”

“I-I guess…” I look around. Yuri has her face buried in a book - I notice her intense expression, like she was waiting for this chance. Natsuki is rummaging through the closet. “Everyone else seemed busy, so I just…”

“Fell asleep?” Monika giggles.

“Uh…” Welp, she got me there.

“It’s okay! Naps can actually be very healthy to an extent!” She stands up straight as I sit up. “I mean, the amount of naps I take when I get the chance are… I guess you could call it excessive?”

“Nah…” I say, waving my hand at her. “This is the time in life when naps stop being a punishment and start being a reward.”

Monika laughs. “I guess that’s true! But, when I say ‘excessive’...” She looks off to the side, and her smile falters. But seconds later, she’s back to her usual self. “Well anyway! I was wondering if you’d be interested in some reading today? I brought a book of poetry by Emily Dickinson.”

“Uh…” I’m not really a big poetry person, especially that of older generations. But, seeing Monika’s sweet smile, I couldn’t reject this opportunity. _Isn’t this the reason I joined, anyway?_ “Sure. I don’t see why not.”

“Alright!” Monika scans the room, looking for a place to sit. She eventually points at a spot underneath the windowsill as she slides into a sitting position against the wall. I reluctantly comply and follow her, sitting down as well.

“Are you sure chairs wouldn’t be more comfortable?” I ask.

“Yeah. Sitting against the wall is just a bit easier on my back.”

“I didn’t realize you had back problems.”

“I don’t, really. I just tend to slouch more when I’m at a desk.”

“Ah, okay.” I nod. “I can actually understand that. I do that, too.”

Monika laughs. “Oh, good. I thought I was gonna sound crazy there.”

“Crazy? Nah. I’m sure that’s actually a lot more common than you think. I mean, our generation is just extremely unhealthy in general. Or, at least we will be by the time we’re all 50.”

“You have a point there,” Monika says, “A lot of kids don’t realize they’re setting themselves up to have a heart attack at an early age. I mean, have you _seen_ what some people eat?”

“Yeah. Can’t say I’m innocent in that department, though,” I chuckle nervously.

“Ah, yeah. Most people can’t. I’m a vegetarian, so I guess I’m the anomaly here, ahaha~”

“Vegetarian, huh?” I say, “Any specific reason why you decided on that?”

“I just wanted to lessen the amount of deaths in the world I’m responsible for.” Monika says this like it’s… completely normal.

“Uh…”

“I know, I know, that sounds weird! But really, I can’t even eat meat now without getting violently ill.”

“So you’ve adjusted.”

“Mhm!” Monika dismisses the topic and pulls a thick book out of her bag.

“I assume that’s the poetry book?” I ask.

“Yep! Great thing about this is we don’t even have to read it in order.” She starts flipping to a page. “Here, this is one of my favorites.” She shows me the page, with a poem titled _It was not death, for I stood up_.

* * *

_It was not Death, for I stood up,_

_And all the Dead, lie down—_

_It was not Night, for all the Bells_

_Put out their Tongues, for Noon._

_It was not Frost, for on my Flesh_

_I felt Sirocos—crawl—_

_Nor Fire—for just my Marble feet_

_Could keep a Chancel, cool—_

_And yet, it tasted, like them all,_

_The Figures I have seen_

_Set orderly, for Burial,_

_Reminded me, of mine—_

_As if my life were shaven,_

_And fitted to a frame,_

_And could not breathe without a key,_

_And 'twas like Midnight, some—_

_When everything that ticked—has stopped—_

_And Space stares all around—_

_Or Grisly frosts—first Autumn morns,_

_Repeal the Beating Ground—_

_But, most, like Chaos—Stopless—cool—_

_Without a Chance, or Spar—_

_Or even a Report of Land—_

_To justify—Despair._

* * *

Um… how do I tell Monika that I have no clue what I just read? It just looks like a bunch of words strewn together on a piece of paper. “Lots of metaphors…” I say. _Good job, Ethan. That oughta make you look smart._

“It means something different to everyone. I think what Emily was trying to portray here was-” As Monika is mid-sentence, she catches a glimpse of the clock. “Oh, dang! I was looking forward to discussing that with you, but it’s time to share poems.” She stands up and announces that it’s time to share poems to everyone else.

My relaxation ends. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Reluctantly, I pull my poem out of my bag…

* * *

_Raindrops (Ethan’s poem)_

_I realize_

_after spending the better part_

_of five hours on this,_

_that there is no way to make_

_this tragedy_

_“poetic”._

_I’m tired of hearing those words:_

_“How do you feel?”_

_I feel like a teenager_

_who woke up with a happy family,_

_then went to sleep_

_as an orphan._

_Then again, they don’t really care._

_They only see stories like mine as_

_raindrops._

_I’m not the only orphan there is,_

_but I feel_

_alone._

* * *

As Monika reads through my poem, she blinks quite a bit. Is she… blinking back tears? And she’s certainly had more than enough time to read the poem, so…

Finally, Monika nods. “I really like this. I… wow.” She actually seems speechless.

“Ah… thanks, I guess.” I chuckle nervously.

“I guess I should show you mine now,” Monika says, handing me her poem. “Here.”

* * *

_Truth (Monika’s poem)_

_I try to forget._

_I tell myself that I have no control._

_But some truths are painful._

_Flat-earthers don’t want to hear that the earth is round._

_No one wants to hear they have an incurable illness._

_But some truths, no matter how agonizing, need to be spoken._

_But it’s not like sitting down makes the news any less of a blow._

_Heart racing, head screaming._

_You want, more than anything, for this to not be true._

_The world continues moving._

_But for you,_

_the truth is paralyzing._

* * *

Short, but sweet. Those are the first words I can think of to describe Monika’s poem. But I skim over it again a few times, and it seems like it’s much deeper.

_What does this mean…?_

“I like it,” I say, “It’s really good. Seems like there’s a pretty deep meaning behind it.”

“Ah… yeah, I guess you could say that.” Monika chuckles nervously. “I noticed some similar themes between our poems.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Yeah. They’re both about being thrown into a new life that you weren’t prepared for.”

I read through Monika’s poem again. “Anything… specific behind this?”

“Ahaha. It’s not really ready to share just yet.” Monika smiles sweetly. “But once everyone is closer to each other, I’ll talk about it. Okay?”

“A-Alright.”  
  


* * *

_Why? Why do I have to do homework AND write a poem?_

I’m in the middle of calculus homework again in my bedroom when my phone starts ringing. I don’t recognize the number, which makes me hesitant to answer. However, I do anyway. “Hello?”

“Is this Ethan?” I recognize the voice, but I can’t place it.

“Uh, yeah. This is Ethan,” I say.

“Hey! It’s Monika!”

“O-Oh! Hi, Monika!” I turn my attention away from my homework to focus on the conversation. “How did you… get my number?”

“I texted Sayori and she gave it to me,” Monika says with a giggle. “You know, for club purposes!”

“Ah, okay. What are you up to?”

I hear a bit of incoherent talking in the background, then Monika saying, “Shush, I’m on the phone!” She then turns her attention back to me. “Sorry. Doctor appointment. Very noisy here.”

“It’s okay,” I chuckle. “What are you at the doctor for?”

“Oh, _I’m_ not at the doctor for anything. I’m here with my mom.”

“Ohh, okay.”

“I actually have a writing tip I wanted to give you. I didn’t think of it until now.” I hear a bit of shifting around from the other line, then Monika speaks again. “Something that helps me write, historically, is listening to music. Some people do really good with music that has a beat. Others, like me, need something more calming. I typically listen to piano music for that.”

“Well… when it comes to calming, what do you recommend?” I ask.

“Hm… there are a lot of playlists and such on YouTube. I can send you my favorite, if you’d like!”

“Okay!” I smile.

I hear more incoherent talking in the background, then Monika says, “I have to go. I’ll send you that playlist in a minute, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Have a good night, Ethan!”

“You too, Monika.”

A few moments after hanging up, I get a YouTube link from Monika.

Monika: [Here you go! Let me know if you need any more help! ^^]

I chuckle a little at the emoji at the end. I open the link in the text from Monika. The first song is an ethereal mix of a piece called “Clair de Lune”.

As the music fills my bedroom, I’m hit with a feeling I don’t think I’ve felt… ever.

“Huh…” I say to myself.

With this, I push my calculus homework to the side and pull out a blank sheet of paper. I feel the inspiration rushing through me. I press the pen against the paper and start writing.  
  



End file.
